10 Weird Changes to Expect as the Sun’s Magnetic Field Flips

Odd ball. As the sun's magnetic field enters a U-turn wild things will happen on Earth

Odd ball. As the sun’s magnetic field enters a U-turn wild things will happen on Earth. Photo: NASA

MOUNT UP, MONTANA, US. Don’t let the scientists fool you – some very bizarre changes are on the way as the sun’s magnetic field does an about-face.

It happens every 11 years. Over the next few months the magnetic field that surrounds the sun will go into a complete reversal; the star’s north and south poles will swap places.

Solar scientists have assured the world that there is nothing to worry about. This is a natural phenomenon that has no impact on earthly life.

But the reality is very different.

The sun’s magnetic field encompasses the solar system, so the ripple effects of its 180-degree flip are vast.

“You will see some very odd happenings,” said Dr. Felix Squint, a solar scientist with the International Institute for the Study of Solar Strangeness, Mount Up, Montana. “A total reversal of the magnetic pulse polarity triggers behavioral changes on our planet that range from the peculiar to the disturbing,” he said.

The institute has analyzed the fall out and here are some of its main findings.

1. North Korea becomes the world’s leading feel good nation, and Disney builds a Happy People theme park there.

2. Pigeons become totally confused and begin cleaning up the streets and car windows.

3. Cable TV gets cheaper.

4. Congressional Republicans demand to pass a barrel-load of laws.

5. Football fans abandon the game in droves in favor of live cooking shows.

6. The Pope resigns to pursue a career as the world’s first saintly tattooist

6. Americans beg Mexicans to cross the border to live and work in the United States, and Mexico builds a wall to protect its citizens from the harassment.

8. Abandoned shopping carts in supermarket parking lots become aggressive, follow shoppers out of the lots, and block them from entering their driveways.

9. Kate Middleton and Prince William rename baby George, who is now known as  Prince North-by-North-West, and invite the Kardashians to take the British throne.

10. Sharks leave coastal waters and head for deep sea after several of them are bitten by bathers.

You have been warned.

FOOD REVIEW: Plunder Your Taste Buds With These Viking Vittles

Never eaten Danish? Think again!

Wild about herring. Danish cuisine at its dubious best 

From DQMNews  Food Critic Di Gest

HERRINGTOWN, ND. Nestled between a tattoo parlor and a nail salon The Hungry Herring restaurant would be easy to miss were it not for the giant herring that hangs above its front window.

If the incredible stuffed fish could talk (more of that later) it would be shouting: “The best Danish cuisine in the world is right here!”

On entering I was shown to my table by co-owner Olga Nielsen. She opened the restaurant with Chef Olaf Petersen five years ago.

“Danish food is much more than pastries,” she said, her smile beaming from beneath the Viking helmet perched atop her thick blonde pigtails.

To prepare my palate for the Danish invasion it was about to experience, I ordered a bottle of Herring Vitamin Water. The water comes from the Hendersen Glacier in Denmark, and the addition of herring bone marrow gives it a kick that wakes up your taste buds with a bang! Katrine opened the bottle with her thumb nail and poured a generous measure of the muddy brown liquid.

The menu was so full of curiosities that it took me a while to decide what to order. Eventually I opted to start with herring wings; spicy clumps of herring meat deep fried in herring oil. As a main course I could not resist the house special: herring dumplings drenched in herring sauce on a bed of sautéed herring scales. A side order of herring eyes seemed to wink at me in appreciation! I’m a sucker for cake, so the herring cheesecake laced with herring brandy was a natural choice for dessert. And to top off my choices I ordered a bottle of Herring Merlot wine. The green-reddish wine has a deep fishy fragrance that transports the senses to the ancient breeding grounds of the wild herring.

While I waited for the food to arrive, I was serenaded by Kaspar, a musician who wanders from table to table playing traditional Danish folk songs on a herring. I never realized that so many tunes could be played on a dead fish!

The food was everything I expected and more. Copious quantities of Herring Vitamin Water were needed to douse the fire started by the herring wings. My palate had just recovered when it was assaulted by the herring dumplings; large, dome-shaped dollops of herring vital organs pulverized by Katrine’s skillet-sized fists into a gel. Delicious! I had to pause after finishing the main course, and must confess finished most of the full-bodied merlot during this brief interlude! The herring cheesecake was a perfect finale to my meal. The consistency and color of lard, this delicacy is almost beyond description. The rows of herring bone that decorate the outer layer of the cake clean your teeth as you eat.

As I digested my meal Olga and Chef Olaf joined me to tell the story behind the giant stuffed herring that adorns their restaurant front window. Called Moby Dirk, the fish is reputedly the largest herring ever caught.

Everything is larger than life at The Hungry Herring – except the bill!

Wall Street Bank Forecloses on Itself. Staff in Shock

Bank at you. Gold Sacks Bank closes its doors after serving notice on itself.

Bank at you. Gold Sacks Bank closes its doors after serving notice on itself.

NEW YORK CITY. There was no fire drill or emergency, so the employees of Gold Sacks Bank, one of Wall Street’s leading banks, were taken aback recently when they found themselves thrown out of their offices and onto the street.

The reason? The bank had foreclosed on its own office building.

The problem started last year when a computer glitch prevented the bank from making payments on its loans for the building. Notices were sent to itself every month, but the bank lost the paperwork.

“The last few notices were very offensive,” said Maureen Malfeasance, head of the bank’s mortgage division. “We were really rude to ourselves.”

By the time the problem had surfaced it was too late. Last month sheriffs marched into the bank’s plush New York headquarters to evict its staff.

“We tried to make some calls but it was no good. Before we knew it, yellow tape was being strung across the door and our office home was gone,” said Malfeasance, who is still shell-shocked.

A group of investors from Florida has since bought the building at auction for a measly $ 5,000. They plan to sell it back to Gold Sacks Bank for around $ 18 million.

“It’s crazy. If we had given ourselves another month this would not have happened. We are really angry and deeply resent ourselves,” said Malfeasance.

Andy Murray Shocker: Scotland is in Great Britain

WIMBLEDON, GREAT BRITAIN. Americans are still stunned by Andy Murray’s first Wimbledon title, and not because it ends Britain’s 77-year wait for a men’s championship victory at the hallowed tennis tournament.

In the wake of worldwide news coverage of the Scotsman’s achievement, Americans are realizing that England is not Great Britain and Scotsmen are actually British.

“We’ll probably have to rethink the way we teach English history in schools and colleges,” said Dr. Miles Anglo, Professor of Middle Earth Studies at the University of Mississippi Delta. “This is a mental leap for us.”

The revelation has also caused some serious debate in security circles. It is believed that the National Security Agency is revamping its phone tapping network to take account of this new information.

Congress Bumps Climate Change Debate to Vote on Kardashian Baby Names

Points of order. Congress will consider every compass point when it debates names for Kim Kardashian's next baby

Points of order. Congress will consider every compass point when it debates names for Kim Kardashian’s next baby

WASHINGTON D.C. A US congressional debate on how to combat the effects of climate change has been put back indefinitely so that lawmakers can vote on what TV reality star Kim Kardashian should name her next baby.

The legislative calendar for this year is particularly congested, with issues such as global warming, national security, student loan debt, and the status of assorted global conflicts vying for floor time. As a result, both the House of Representatives and the Senate have had to reorganize their workloads.

“We need to focus on the people’s business; on the issues that concern Americans and the future of our country,” said Senator Cleveland Bluster, Chairman of the Congressional Committee on Really Relevant Issues.

Kardashian recently named her new baby girl North West, and US lawmakers want to allocate sufficient time to review every point on the compass as they consider possible names for the star’s next child.

“It’s a long process, but it has to be done,” said Senator Bluster.

Other items that have been given priority in the revamped legislative calendar include the proposed Equal Rights for Zombies Bill and a debate on the next sequel in the “Iron Man” movie series.

Star Trek Meets Air Travel. Outer Space Flight Details Released

Business as usual. First-class space travelers get a toilet. Second-class get a pee bag.

Business as usual. First-class space travelers get a toilet and meal service. Second-class passengers get a pee bag and tube food. Photo: NASA

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL. The new airline for space travel Galactic Air has announced details of its scheduled passenger flights into outer space.

Galactic is owned by a consortium of airlines that have purchased and converted former NASA space shuttles for flights around the earth. The first flight is scheduled to depart from Cape Canaveral, FL, in 2014.

There will be two classes of passenger: first or “astronaut” class and cabin or “crater” class.

In the first-class cabin every traveler will have a window seat with a spectacular view of Earth. There will also be a toilet in astronaut class, and gourmet meals served on trays specially designed for zero-gravity eating.

Crater class passengers will share a single porthole, and be served with food paste from plastic tubes. There will be no toilet in crater class; travelers will share an external pee bag.

The other key difference is in the way respective classes will complete the round-the-world voyage. First-class passengers will stay on the shuttle until it glides onto the runway at the base terminal in Cape Canaveral. Second-class passengers will be dropped in a basket in the South China Seas where they will be picked up by Vietnamese fishing boats for the final journey home.

“This two-tier service structure is based on traditional passenger air travel,” said Buzz Lighthead, Vice President of Marketing for Galactic Air. “We will continue the level of service that passengers are used to whether they are flying around the planet or New York City.”

BREAKING: Spy Agency Operative Caught Reading Text Messages While Driving

CALIFORNIA. A National Security Agency operative has been convicted of reading other people’s text messages while driving. The man was returning home from work in California where text messaging is banned for all drivers.

“Texting with one person while driving is bad enough, but this guy had 151 conversations on his phone,” said a court official who requested anonymity.

Coming Soon: The Great Mall of China

Might mall. The Great Wall of China will re-open as the world's biggest mall.

Might mall. The Great Wall of China will re-open as the world’s biggest mall.

PEKING, CHINA. The private equity fund Global Grabbit Investments has signed a deal with the Chinese government to convert The Great Wall of China into 5,500 miles of high-end shops and restaurants.

Adjacent provinces are to be blacktopped to provide adequate parking space for stretched limos and private aircraft.

The Great Mall of China will serve China’s growing number of millionaires and billionaires, as well America’s top earners who have become fabulously wealthy over the last decade or so.

“These superich consumers want a new retail experience. Nothing out there right now comes close to catering for their desires,” said Orwell J. Opportune, CEO of Global Grabbit.

The equity fund is in negotiations to transform other wonders of the world into retail outlets for the rich. There are plans to turn the Grand Canyon into a mega-mall themed around natural beauty.

“In addition to being thousands of years old, these unique sites have fantastic name recognition,” said Opportune.

The Great Mall of China will offer the largest selection of merchandise in the world, “and we’ll serve Chinese food that’s to die for,” said Opportune.

Near Disaster as Test Drone Tries to Mate with Passenger Jet

Mating call. Experimental software caused a military drone to make out with a passenger plane.

Mating call. Experimental software caused a military drone to make out with a passenger plane.

LOS ANGELES, CA. A prototype US military drone programmed with an “enhanced enemy recognition” capability almost caused a disaster when it identified a commercial Lear jet plane as a partner and attempted to mate with the aircraft in midair.

The military are still investigating the incident, but it is thought that a glitch in the drone’s programming aroused the plane and caused it to make amorous advances on the commercial jet.

“Recognition software enables drones to identify enemies independently,” explained Roger “Red” Baron, the former chief of the US Drone Bomber Squadron. “It appears that the opposite is also true – the prototype program gives drones the ability to recognize friends and even partners. This is totally unexpected.”

The private jet was en route from Chicago to Los Angeles when the military aircraft veered towards it, and started to do back flips and aerobatic rolls in an apparent attempt to impress the passenger plane. When its advances were ignored, the drone became agitated and tried to force the small aircraft to land, missing it by just a few feet.

When the drone’s controllers on the ground realized what was happening, they cancelled the target recognition software program and brought the killer plane back to base. The drone has been taken out of service and will undergo extensive therapy before returning to the field.

Life Discovered in US Senate. Scientists Baffled.

Law of nature. Life has found a foothold in the US Senate, where the world's most uncompromising climate can be found.

Law of nature. Life has found a foothold in the US Senate, where the world’s most uncompromising climate can be found.

WASHINGTON DC. Living organisms have been discovered at the bottom of the ocean and on the highest mountains, but scientists believe they have found life in the world’s most inhospitable place: the US Senate.

A team of biologists has stumbled across a colony of bacteria living on the ceiling of the US Senate building in Washington DC. Scientists can’t explain how such a hostile habitat can support life.

“We are stunned,” said Dr. Gertrude Bugnet, Professor of Exotic Life at the University of Little Big Horn, NM. “The atmosphere is so acidic and corrosive in there that it was thought to be barren, but we were wrong,” she said.

In addition to a sulfurous atmosphere, the microbes are constantly bathed in plumes of hot air rising from the chamber.

“We have no idea how these bacteria are thriving. One theory is that since nothing ever changes in the US Senate, these tiny organisms have had time to adapt to this extreme environment,” explained Professor Bugnet.

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