US Congress Passes Historic Fun Control Legislation

May 18, 2013 By Leave a Comment
No laughing matter. President Obama has one last moment of mirth before signing the Fun Control Act that makes it illegal for average Americans from have fun.

No laughing matter. President Obama has a final moment of mirth before signing the Fun Control Act that outlaws fun.

WASHINGTON DC. Following endless lobbying and debates, the US Congress has finally passed a law that prohibits average Americans from having fun.

The Stop Americans Having Fun Act of 2013 passed by a comfortable majority in both the US Senate and the House of Representatives. President Obama is expected to sign the bill into law soon.

“We’ve tried everything to curtail fun in this country,” said Senator Moses Harshman, the Republican senator from Alabama who championed the legislation. “We enacted sequestration, made sure unemployment remains high and students are indebted, stopped the economy in its tracks, and pushed up the cost of premium healthcare beyond the reach of middle-class citizens. But none of these measures has prevented outbreaks of jollity and even joy. We believe this bill will put a stop to it.”

Under the new law it will be a felony to enjoy life. Infringements such as laughing in public, looking wistful, and telling jokes are punishable by fines and time in prison.

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Cicadas Begin 17-Year Swarm – Then Call it Off

May 13, 2013 By Leave a Comment

 

Thanks, but no thanks. Cicadas emerge then go back.

Thanks, but no thanks. Cicadas emerge after 17-year wait then go back.

NORTHEAST US. Billions of noisy cicadas emerged from the ground as expected this May, and most of them paused, took a look around, and went back underground.

“Of course it’s a bummer,” said Dr. Sirus Crawltrap, Director of the Cicada Study Group at the University of Petrified Forest, Arizona. “We staked out observation points across the northeast of the United States to witness this amazing exodus, but the cicadas turned around and went back before we had a chance to take more than a few shots.”

Scientists are debating why the 1.5-inch insects, which develop beneath the ground for 17 years before emerging to mate, decided to cancel their big march to the surface.

Dr. Crawltrap is a world authority on cicadas and believes he has the answer. “These bugs are smart. They saw what was going on above ground and high-tailed it back under the dirt. We probably won’t see them again.”

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BREAKING: Wall Street Plot to Crash Honey Market

May 8, 2013 By Leave a Comment

NEW YORK, NY. The Wall Street private equity fund Rasputin Sweet Investments has agreed to return half of the world’s honey bees. The fund took the insects as part of a plan to corner the Honey Futures market.

Scientists have been trying to explain why about half of the world’s honey bee population has disappeared over recent years. A number of reasons have been proposed, including the spread of a bee parasite and the impact of agricultural chemicals on the insects.

Rasputin Sweet Investments has admitted to paying agents to take the bees, and keep them under lock and key in giant warehouses.

The Federal government has decided not to prosecute the private equity firm. “We like these guys, and they have promised not to do it again,” said an agent for the Federal Bureau of Crimes Against Insects.

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Roman Parking Lot Found Beneath Parking Lot in England

May 3, 2013 By Leave a Comment

LEICESTER, ENGLAND. A team of archeologists from the University of Stonehenge, England, has discovered the remains of a Roman parking beneath a parking lot in Leicester, England.

“The lines are incredibly well preserved. We have even uncovered some skid marks from a chariot that appears to have braked rather abruptly,” said Dr. Giles Dirtbrush, Professor of Parking Lot Antiquities at the university.

Among the artifacts unearthed is a rare Roman parking lot ticket made out of clay. “Slaves dispensed tickets and also functioned as speed bumps by lying across the entrance,” said Dr. Dirtbrush.

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Airline Breakfast Muffin Reveals Secret of Egyptian Mummies

May 2, 2013 By Leave a Comment
mummy

Food not to die for. Ingredient in airline muffin was used by ancient Egyptians to preserve dead monarchs

MOJAVE DESERT, CA. When Dr. India Jones discovered a 20-year-old breakfast muffin in the folds of her airline seat, she never thought it would solve one of archeology’s most enduring mysteries: how the embalmers of ancient Egypt preserved the bodies of the pharaohs for centuries.

“Although the muffin had passed its sell-by date 20 years previous, it was still in pristine condition,” said India, who is Professor of Archeology at the University of Mojave Desert, CA. “It had probably been jammed between the seats since the aircraft’s first flight.”

Back in the lab she discovered that the artificial favoring Midnight Blue 208 that gives the muffin its blueberry taste had preserved the pastry. “It was still as rubbery and hard to digest as if it had been served yesterday,” she said.

The Egyptians used an almost identical chemical in their embalming fluid. “But they extracted it from the ear wax of camels,” explained Professor Jones.

After her analysis is complete the muffin will be transferred to the Smithsonian where it will go on display with mummified food items from various airlines and Amtrak.

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HOT PRODUCT: Say Goodbye to Dead Batteries With Wind-Powered Cell Phone

April 28, 2013 By Leave a Comment
Air heads. New wind-driven turbine cap generates enough electricity to power a cell phone

Air heads. New wind turbine cap generates enough electricity to power a cell phone

TOKYO, JAPAN. A cell phone powered by a personal wind turbine virtually eliminates the risk of batteries running out while traveling.

The mini turbine, mounted on top of a cap worn by the user, generates electricity even when there is only a gentle breeze. Simply plug your cell phone into the cap for a constant supply of juice.

“During regular outdoor use there should be enough wind power to run a cell phone without using the battery,” said Igor Wiredski, CEO of Propeller Head Enterprises, the Japanese company that makes the system.

When the cap is worn in high winds it generates enough current to run other gadgets. “On a very windy day you can run a lap top or vacuum cleaner,” said Wiredski. Drivers of open-top cars can power a neon sign or a leaf blower if they want to.

Wiredski acknowledges that business people might not be comfortable wearing the caps. “So we are making a pin-stripe version for the business community. We’re confident the turbine caps will become a new fashion accessory for jetsetters.”

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Senate Convenes Emergency Session as Restroom Towel Crisis Deepens

April 26, 2013 By Leave a Comment
Paper cuts. US Senate responds to restroom towel crisis by trying to pass a law.

Paper cuts. US Senate responds to restroom towel crisis by trying to pass a law.

WASHINGTON DC. After almost a week of no changes to restroom towels owing to sequestration cuts, the US Senate has called an emergency session to approve a resolution that will resolve the crisis.

Government maintenance staff have been furloughed without pay as a result of budget cuts imposed by the sequestration program. As a result, no workers are available to change the Senate’s restroom towels.

“We’ve been reduced to using paper towels taken from bathrooms at the Pentagon,” complained Senator Milton Clueless (R-Death Valley). “We’re used to linen, this has got to stop.”

The Senate will try to pass an emergency resolution that allows the furloughed workers to return to work immediately, even though it has not passed anything significant in a long time.

The proposed measure will leave the original budget cuts in place. The Senate Maintenance Office will have to find ways to trim its budget elsewhere, said Senator Clueless. “They could close all public toilets in the building and direct visitors to use the facilities at Starbucks a few blocks away,” he suggested. “Or make people pay for visiting the restroom.”

According to a Senate study, requiring every visitor to pay for using the restrooms on Capitol Hill would generate enough revenue to slash the national deficit by 50% in less than 200 years.

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Set Sail on the Ultimate Mystery Cruise This Summer

April 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment
Destination unknown. The new cruise craze: cast adrift on a ship with no engine.

Destination unknown. The new cruise craze: cast adrift on a ship with no engine.

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL. Leading cruise ship lines have launched “Go With the Flow Cruises” for the upcoming summer season. Passengers will set sail on ships with no engines and drift with the ocean currents to unknown destinations until they run out of food and water.

“We got the idea from the recent spate of incidents involving disabled cruise ships that drifted aimlessly for days,” said Pat Pearlywhites, Senior Vice President of Marketing at Davy Jones Cruises, Fort Lauderdale, Fl. “We are turning problems into solutions by developing a new type of cruise based on the disaster model.”

The prospect of being cast adrift for weeks at a time on an an ocean will deter some customers, acknowledged Pearlywhites. However, the loss in revenue from reduced passenger numbers will be offset by much lower fuel bills and not having to pay engine room crews.

“And don’t forget the element of surprise which people love,” he added. “Go with the Flow passengers could end up bumping into some desert island paradise, or never seeing dry land again and being involved in deck fights over the last scraps of food. It’s a delicious mystery cruise experience!”

 

 

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Oil Companies Roll Out New Pipeline Spill Prevention Weapon: Duct Tape

April 14, 2013 By 1 Comment
Out of harms way. Oil companies plan to use giant rolls of duct tape to keep animals away from pipeline spill sites

Out of harm’s way. Oil companies plan to use giant rolls of duct tape to keep animals away from pipeline spill sites

HOUSTON, TX. Amid growing concern that pipeline failures like the one that gushed oil over a community in Arkansas, US, recently could cause massive environmental damage, oil companies have announced a $ 10 million investment in giant rolls of duct tape.

“Duct tape is the classic fix-all remedy, and we are converting a fleet of cement trucks to transport 20-ft rolls to areas where pipelines have been breached,” explained Marcus Slick, spokesperson for the Houston-based Oil Industry Task Force for Plugging Pipeline Holes. “This rapid response fleet represents the most advanced pipeline repair system in the world.”

The industry has pledged to extend the fleet of duct tape carriers if the controversial Keystone XL pipeline is built. This pipeline will carry oil derived from tar sands, and the industry maintains that its duct tape deployment strategy makes a spill from the Keystone line almost impossible.

In addition, the duct tape will be used to rescue wild life endangered by leaking oil. Creatures will be taped to parts of the pipeline that are not broken, and left there until repairs are made. The duct tape will also be used by responders to make emergency anti-spill suits by wrapping their bodies in tape.

Environmentalists are skeptical. “How do we know there will be enough duct tape to tape every animal to a safe area of a pipeline in the event of a major spill?” said Delores Boomer, Director of the Friends of Fragile Frogs and Other Creatures. “You need an awful lot of tape to attach a full-grown male elk to a pipeline.”

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Escaped School Lunch Captured After Terrorizing Suburban Neighborhood

April 12, 2013 By Leave a Comment
Fast food. After a chase in the Philadelphia suburbs an escaped school meal, thought to be lasagne, was captured by police and booked for indecent exposure.

Lunch on the run. After a chase in the Philadelphia suburbs an escaped school lunch, thought to be lasagne, was captured by police and booked for indecent exposure.

PHILADELPHIA, PA. A school lunch that escaped from the cafeteria of Pinberry High School in suburban Philadelphia has been captured by police. The meal, thought to be from the lasagna family, was overpowered after reportedly attacking a pet dog.

Students at the high school said that the meal had been sitting in a cafeteria food tray for several days, and was making strange noises after being reheated a number of times.

“It hissed and jumped off the tray,” said 11th grade student Bud C. “The next thing I knew it flew past me and was out the door.”

Although hall aids at the school are trained to apprehend fugitive lunches – an aged hot dog made a bid for freedom last year – the lasagna managed to make its way down the main corridor before slamming into a fire door and making its escape.

“It was very scary, it left the walls streaked with sauce,” said school hall aid Enrique Icanseeyou.

While on the run the meal went for a joy ride in a supermarket shopping cart, and tried to form a gang by soliciting dishes from a nearby fast food restaurant to join it. Police finally caught up with the lunch after it confronted a pet dog.

The dog, an overweight mongrel called Spike, was being walked by its owner Ms Stalin D. “Spike tried to eat the thing and it went crazy. I shooed it away with my hat, but the meal just laughed and threw cheese at me, I was terrified,” she said.

The lunch dish is now in custody and will be returned to the high school cafeteria in a few days. “It will spend some time behind food bars before being reheated and served to our students,” said a school spokesperson.

Pinberry High School plans to introduce high security food trays to prevent lunches from escaping in future.

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