Breakfast Sensation Delivers Cereal and Workout Routines in a Box

The manufacturer of a new breakfast cereal called Cardio Morning Flakes made of the artificial food colorings Scarlet 4, Aquamarine 8Z, and Puce 62, and corn syrup, hydrodexitrine monosyllablate, sugar concentrate, salt, more sugar, saturated fats, whey, and one whole grain per box, claims that consuming the product dramatically reduces the risk of heart disease.

“Cardio Flakes is 50% heavier than other cereals, so when consumers lift the box and spoon the product into their mouths, they are effectively lifting weights,” said Marshal Truthing, Vice President, Marketing, Too Good To Be True Breakfast Foods, Inc., Gosling, TN.

A study commissioned by the company from the Institute of Really Reliable Research, Genuineville, KY, showed that a significant number of people with heart disease in a large room felt a lot better after eating Cardio Morning Flakes.

The extra weight of the cereal comes from its chemical formulation and the extra thickness of the cardboard packaging. Reports that the packaging has to be thick in order to withstand the corrosiveness of the contents were denied by the company.

“This is the first wholesome breakfast cereal that gives consumers a workout while eating. We recommend that people eat as much as they can every morning, and lift the box with both hands at least three times to really get their hearts pumping,” said Truthing.


Mars Bombshell: We Are Not Alone

Alien tracks?

Alien tracks?

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has discovered irrefutable proof that alien life exists on the planet Mars, according to an anonymous source. The evidence was uncovered by the Mars Exploration Rover vehicle Curiosity, and NASA has yet to decide whether to go public with the sensational find.

The Rover vehicle has been touring the red planet since August 2012. Earlier this year is was hit by a mechanical problem, and NASA was forced to park the Rover in the Red Zone Crater, a little-known area of the planet. The vehicle remained in the crater for almost a week while NASA fixed the problem.

It was when the agency instructed the vehicle to move that the amazing evidence came to light.

“When the pictures came in we couldn’t believe our eyes,” said the source, “it was unmistakable.”

A parking ticket was affixed to Curiosity’s windscreen.

“We’re still trying to decipher the ticket, but we think it’s a hefty fine,” the source said.

The agency now has to decide whether to release the news before contesting the fine.

“Our feeling is that this was a genuine mechanical breakdown and it’s totally unfair to ticket us. Once we find out more about the aliens and make contact with them we’ll appeal.”

Fatal Attraction Drone Courts Disaster

320px-Predator_Drone_021A prototype military drone programmed with “enhanced recognition” software almost caused a disaster when it attempted to mate with a commercial aircraft in midair.

The military are still investigating the incident, but it is thought that a glitch in the aircraft’s programming caused the drone to make amorous advances on the passenger jet.

“The advanced recognition software enhances the drone’s ability to identify potential enemy targets,” explained Roger “Red” Baron, the former head of the US Drone Squadron. “But it appears that the opposite is also true – the prototype program gives drones the ability to recognize friends and even partners. This is totally unexpected.”

The private Lear jet was en route to Las Vegas when the military aircraft veered towards it, and started doing back flips and rolls in an apparent attempt to impress the passenger plane. When its advances were ignored, the drone tried to force the Lear jet to land, missing the plane by just a few feet. It is possible that the drone was pressuring the other plane to land in Las Vegas where it could continue to woo the jet.

When military controllers on the ground realized what was happening, they cancelled the recognition software program and brought the lovestruck plane back to base. The drone has been taken out of service and will undergo extensive therapy.



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